This is what “Love Actually” would look like if it were remade in 2015
1. The film would start and end at the swanky new Heathrow terminal 2.
“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the glorious renovation of Heathrow’s terminal 2. The stunning architecture boasts cutting-edge technology, which makes the best use of capacity while also boosting carbon efficiency…”
Billy Mack and Joe
2. Rock and roll legend Billy Mack to be played by another rock and roll legend, Rod Stewart. Or Tom Jones, because we hear he’s available.
3. His exhausted manager would of course be played by Nick Frost.
4. They would release a cover of “Never Had A Dream Come True” by S Club, cleverly reworked into “Never Had A Christmas Like You”.
Peter, Juliet and Mark
5. Newly married couple Peter and Juliet would be played by budding-superstars John Boyega and Daisy Ridley.
6. Peter’s creepy best friend Mark would be played by Eddie Redmayne, because we love him and want him in every film ever.
7. Mark would not be able to hide his fixation with Juliet, because the wedding would be live-streamed. Instead, he takes a series of tasteful Instagram pictures on his secret account.
8. Juliet discovers the instagram, which includes selfies of Mark with the same written profession of love.
9. She rightly thinks it’s a bit creepy and submits the story to Mail Online, where it goes viral.
Jamie and Aurelia
10. Dishy writer Jamie would be played by Elementary star Jonny Lee Miller and he’d visit France instead of Portugal in light of the recent financial crisis.
11. In France, he’d meet Bond star Lea Seydoux as Aurelia, and they’d fall in love despite a huge language barrier.
12. Jamie certainly wouldn’t be writing a novel using a typewriter.
13. And the following scene would be sponsored by Victoria’s Secret:
Harry, Karen and Mia
14. Company MD Harry would be played by Daniel Craig, and his unwitting wife Karen would be Kate Winslet.
15. Meanwhile, “other woman” Mia would be played by supermodel and wife of footballer Mario Gotze, Ann-Kathrin Brommel.
16. She would send sexy snapchats.
17. When Harry attempts to secretly buy Mia a gift at a local department store, his plans will be thwarted by clumsy sales assistant Miranda Hart, who attracts more attention than the gift is worth.
David and Natalie
18. Hearthrob Prime Minister David would obviously be played by Jude Law, while his curvy assistant would be former Coronation Street star Michelle Keegan.
19. He would dance to an even more upbeat cover of “Call Me Maybe”.
20. The US President would inspired by Barack Obama and played by Will Smith as cooler than cool, leading to a much more obvious love triangle.
21. David would still make the same speech in light of the President’s actions, however:
22. After receiving Natalie’s Christmas card, the Prime Minister consults with MI6 to learn Natalie’s address and surprise her at her home.
Daniel, Sam and Joanna
23. Grieving stepdad Daniel would be played by Hugh Jackman (doing his impeccable English accent, of course).
24. And adorable youngster Sam would be played by budding CBBC star Ryan Wilkinson, who currently plays the mischievous Charlie on the BAFTA-nominated All at Sea.
25. He’d learn to play a hipster instrument to impress young love Joanna, like a ukulele. Or an accordion.
26. Joanna would of course be played by Annie (2014) superstar Quvenzhané Wallis.
27. Her talent would still blow us away:
28. However, there is no way Sam would get through the increased security at Heathrow to steal a kiss from Joanna, so he’d probably have to settle for a whatsapp message filled with emoticons.
Sarah, Karl, and Michael
29. Sarah would be played by Leslie Mann, but she’d have no time for a romantic subplot because all her spare time would be spent campaigning against Jeremy Hunt’s mental healthcare cutbacks.
Colin and the American girls
30. Unlucky in love Colin would be played by Scrotal Recall‘s hilariously unlucky Johnny Flynn.
31. The entire plotline would commence in almost exactly the same way as it did in 2003, except the girls would think Colin normally lived in an Edwardian Estate like Highclere Castle.
John and Judy
32. Because Martin Freeman seems to remain immortally young, he can still play body double John ten years later.
33. Sex scene veteran Tamzin Merchant would star alongside him as Judy.
34. Johnlock fans would photoshop Benedict Cumberbatch over Judy into every scene the two shared together.